I think I have this three year curse. I get blessed (well maybe) with this extraordinary person that changes everything or makes everything surrounding irrelevant. It’s a long road full of memories and many bumps in the road. As everything starts to come to an end this overwhelming feeling takes over me and I know deep down it’s over and soon enough when 3 years comes around it’s all over…

When a person leaves, you keep something of theirs for yourself. Maybe you’ll keep his favorite t-shirt or that vinyl record of The Beatles, his battered copy of The Old Man and The Sea. These are tiny bits of his soul you are allowed to have left and they are bittersweet parting gifts you get to hide in the chest under your bed. But the ones that hurt the most to keep are memories. His sleepy smile in the mornings, the smudge of paint on his cheek after he paints, the look in his eyes when he said he loved you. You close your eyes and you see all of these beautiful pictures and it hurts… so much. But that’s the thing. It hurts and you can’t even throw them away, not like letters you can burn, or a coffee mug you can break. They’re etched under your skin like scars no one can see, bleeding without killing you. Instead it’s a forever kind of pain; indestructible and permanent. He’s the pain that never heals.

Therapist: Do you miss him?

Me: I don’t know. I think I do, but I’m not sure how.

Therapist: What do you mean?

Me: I’m not sure if I miss his presence or I miss the idea of him. If what I miss is truly all of him or just the parts that suited me. Do I miss the man he was or the man I wanted him to be? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just deliberately glorifying missing him. Like maybe my heart is healed but it just refuses to let him go.

Dear you,
I sincerely don’t know why I’m writing this letter if I’ll never give it to you. I think I write because I’m better with written words than with spoken ones and you know that. And it’s odd to say you know anything about me. Because it’s been a while since the last time we spoke to each other, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s confusing, isn’t it? To be in this situation with someone you knew so well, and knew you the same way, and that now it’s just a stranger. Doesn’t it hurt to you? To see we’ve come to this point? I think I’m just tired of feeling so mad and sad, and to have this added with the nostalgia I feel every single day, only because you forgot me like this, effortlessly.
First paragraph of the letter I’ll never give to you but I wish you read. (via writtenpolaroid)