I’m scared. This time I can’t tell where my head is. After a while I was trying to find something to replace maybe replicate everything I once had. It’s crazy when you think something might be it but turns out either you were confused with words or it’s not going to work out. then out of no where the unexpected happens and the tables have turned around. someone might be serious and I can’t decide where my head is. the things is I keep pulling people in and not realizing it and i can be so emotionless and hurt people and not care. this time is different I reeled someone in and I know I can only benefit me but i don’t know what I’m looking for or where I want it to go. the things is I love the attention and I don’t know if it’s from being lonely or if I really like him. I just don’t want to drag someone along and hurt them.

I can’t tell you how much I longed for a little sister when I was growing up. being the oldest and at the time only girl was hard because my experiences and memories are so different than my brothers. 17 years later and guess what I finally get a sister and am never going to relate to her or being able to have a close relationship to her because of it. I want so badly to be able to teach that she is worthy and to never let anyone treat her like she isn’t anything less than perfect. I was to instill in her the most confidence that people get it confused with cockiness and to never have to depend happiness and feelings on another person in her life.

after everything I went to shit my fall back was smoking. weed became my cushion and smoking all the time was the way to get your dumb ass out of my head. I started smoking consistently and then right before bed because going to bed high meant going to sleep and not dreaming about you. lately I haven’t been smoking nearly as much as I used to. last night I has a miserable dream that you were invited to some occasion with a lot of ppl I knew and when it was over you were looking for me. finally you found me in the bathroom changing in a rush because I saw you and needed to leave. you came up to me and said we needed to talk. you started with hailey and I are not going to work out and went on this whole escapade of how and why you need and miss me. being so flustered and sucked into your bullshit I fall for it tell you we can make it work but they are boundaries. as were talking Alex comes up to us and I tell her everything is fine as we all get up to leave. were getting ready to get in your car and decide to try and make it work. what a joke.

I think I have this three year curse. I get blessed (well maybe) with this extraordinary person that changes everything or makes everything surrounding irrelevant. It’s a long road full of memories and many bumps in the road. As everything starts to come to an end this overwhelming feeling takes over me and I know deep down it’s over and soon enough when 3 years comes around it’s all over…